Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Gift

I was captivated by your edginess. Your “IDGAF what society thinks of me” attitude. You weren’t a girly girl, you were playing with the boys. You had a style all of your own and you caught my eye like a moth to the flame. I could see that there was so much to you and I had to find out. I started to flirt with you and get to know you. I wanted to know everything about you, everything about you was so interesting.
 You played a song for me, “Mercedes Marxist” by Living Things. This song was unlike anything I had every heard in my life. I could feel my life changing as I heard it. It made me go crazy about you. I knew this girl was going to be so much fun and I had to get a date with her. I asked you for your number and started texting you, it wasn’t too long before I let my feelings slip. I made it so obvious. 
I finally convinced you to go on a date, and it was awful. I was so quiet and didn’t know what to say. Later, I tried teaching you to drive my car. It was a stick shift. I thought I could impress this girl, and make her crazy about me. I was already crazy about her. We took a break from driving and I invited you to cuddle in the back of the car. One thing lead to another and magical things happened. I saw your perfect amazing breasts and I was in love with how free-spirited you were. You didn’t care, you just did what you felt and I loved that. You had no worries, no shame, just freedom, and I wanted that. You made me feel free. You opened up to me and showed me how easy it is to live life. 
I messed up by leaving the car on and having us stranded in the parking lot of my high school. We were locked in and had nowhere to go. I couldn’t call my parents and tell them how retarded I was, so I called my friend to come get us. He dropped us off at my house, and I had to explain to my dad what happened. This is how you met my parents. My dad was probably shirtless, not expecting me to have brought a girl home, but I knew they couldn’t have been happier.
I drove you back home, and I still remember the smell of you when you first entered the car, and didn’t want you to go.  I was in love. I remember the sweater with all the pins and I loved your style. It was so hot. We even skipped class together just so we could kiss in my car. This is when I made it official; you were going to be my girl. I couldn’t imagine wanting anything else more. I loved the way you dressed, the way your glasses sat on your nose, the way your bangs were cut so cute on your forehead, and your amazing smell. I loved holding your tiny frame in my arms and never wanted to let go. 
It was finally time for me to meet your parents and it’s a night I can never forget, no matter how hard I try. It was a night I almost lost my life, and you. All I could think about was how to impress your mother, being on time, showing her I’m a responsible and dependable, sweet guy. I bought her a gift and had it wrapped up. 
I crashed that night. I completely destroyed my car, and my chances of making a good first impression. I swerved off the road and pinned my car into a tree. I shouldn’t be alive. After seeing that car, I couldn’t help but thinking that I was actually dead and seeing everything as a spirit. I couldn’t believe it. I was in so much pain, my neck was burning and I couldn’t feel my leg. The seat belt had engraved that memory into my body, and the brake pedal had destroyed my ankle. I don’t know how I got out of the car, I was so disoriented and weak. I crawled away from the car, afraid that it could catch on fire for some reason. I couldn’t stand and I could barely understand what was going on. 
A passer-by was a trained EMT and asked me questions, did I know my name, birthday, what day it was. I asked him, is the gift still in the car? He ignored me probably because he didn’t know what I was talking about. He called 9-1-1, and couldn’t stop telling me how bad the car looked. Everyone kept saying I was lucky to be alive. I didn’t really know if I was. 
I don’t know if the human mind is capable of creating such fantasies, such intricate worlds that can seem so real, I didn’t believe it. As the ambulance took me away they asked if there was anything I needed from the car like clothes or my wallet, and all I told them to do was bring me that gift. I held it on my stomach on my way to the hospital. 
I never gave your mom her gift. It was a candle. Nothing special, but it was the best I could do. I always keep thinking about how powerful the human mind is and question the existence of everything. You keep me believing. You kept me alive. You were the one who made me feel things that could never be imagined. You made my experience life. After all we’ve been through, there is nothing that could make me stop loving you. You showed me the gift of life. (Speaking of gifts I really need to give you that bra...I'm not going to wear it...)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

One Day

One day, I will be a man. One day, I will be there for her. One day, I will be able to protect her and save her from herself. One day, I will accomplish my dreams and goals and fulfill the promise I made to her. I will prove to her that I can, and that I will. One day, I will have succeeded, and the world will let us have our happily ever after.
I cannot understand what it must feel like to be dying. We are all dying, but I can never understand what it feels like to know your body is killing itself. I cannot imagine how helpless it must feel. All I can do is to try and make her forget. You cannot stop death, but you can always fight it. You say to the god of death, “Not today”.
           Today, I realized how hard it must have been for her. I know she did this to protect me. She didn't want me to see her like that. She had to let me go. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to lose the person you wanted to share the rest of your life with and have them taken from you. That is a pain no one deserves. One day, I will provide the means to keep her safe, and she will enjoy life once again.
           One day, I will show her that I can fix this. One day, I will be able to hold her in my arms again, and tell her that everything will be ok, and she will know that I mean it. I will love her and she will love me, and we will finally be together in love until the end. I just ask you God, please, keep her safe until then.